Giving Doesn’t Always Feel Good

This is my father, George Lee Jackson. He transitioned the morning after I had visited him–November 9, 2014.  I will never forget those precious moments with him.  It’s almost as if we reconciled all of our differences that had occupied space in our relationship for most of my life in just a few minutes, more like seconds.  


I had once thought of my dad as such a stubborn, stern person who spoke his mind without any hesitation.  But, as I spent the last few years with him, I understood that my daughter, Jannah, and I, coupled with his fond memories of his mom, were the soft spots in his heart.  


Yes, I complained and doubted him about the times that he needed me. Yes, I hissed at the way he told me he needed my help, which were more commands with undoubtedly driven force.  I went along doing what he needed me to do to the best of my ability.  It wasn’t easy. It was, in fact, very difficult in my mind to succumb to his demands.  The time I had spent surrendering to hearing what my purpose is in order to understand how I would grow had driven me to give unconditionally to him, while all the time identifying what I thought were his faults that included his faults from my childhood.  


At times, I hopped to his requests with sincerity and happiness, and with such gratitude, and it was joyous for me to feel those moments of pleasure and bliss. I kept saying during these specific times, “Thank you, Universe.”  


This morning as I spent time in silence, I realized that most of the time I give, I’m so excited, happy, humbled, and generous.  But, I also admitted to myself that giving doesn’t always feel good.  So, I asked during communing with Divine Presence, “How do I continue to give when it doesn’t feel good, and why did I continue to give to my dad?”  The answer is always in the question.  Simultaneously, we ask and hear what the soul is expressing–if we listen.  The answer was simply because he needed me more than he has ever needed anyone, and he was happy to get any small or large amount I was willing to give.  I found myself thinking how I wished I had given so much more. I love and miss my dad.


When we spend time in and with Silence–God–Divine Presence, we always want to give more because we are that which is speaking to and through us.  Giving is not always easy or doesn’t always feel good, but if we stay in tuned just a little bit, listening for guidance within, we will do exactly what is needed in order to help others, even though we think they don’t want or deserve our help. 


As the tears fall from my eyes this morning, I realize that I’m cleansing, letting go of guilt, and I’m continuously driving out the fear that somehow always manages to creep back in through my thoughts.  I’m grateful for the courage, the strength, and the desire to be free and to be honest with myself.


Thank you for allowing me to share in this place of peace.  I’m grateful.  Peace and sweet blessings to you, always!

3 thoughts on “Giving Doesn’t Always Feel Good

  1. What a blessing that you and your father reconciled before his transition! Our parents are our key to life, for if it were not for them, we would not be here. To have reverence for our elders is something this generation is learning all over again.

    I have often thought that we are already in Heaven in this incarnation and this has been confirmed by those who have studied "A Course in Miracles", as they say this is what the course is all about, including forgiveness.

    Thank you for being:

    An Instrument in God's Symphony

    As I listen to the sounds
    Paying attention to the symbols
    That Surround me Everyday

    Inside and Outside
    On the radio
    Feeling the Vibrations
    The Energy
    Beating in Time

    Moving Slowly as I make my way
    Throughout the day

    I know that I am in Tune
    playing only a small part
    at the direction of God's

    Wand

    Copyright ©2003 TAM

  2. Vickie, I'm glad that you got to spend time with your dad before he passed. Though it was tough at times, it showed how much you loved him to stick it out.
    When my dad passed, we had unfortunately been estranged. I made peace with him after his death. Its always better to say your goodbyes when your loved one is still here.

  3. Vicki I too am glad you reconciled with your Dad before having to let him go. It's so hard loosing a Dad and even after 20 years I still wish I had talked more to mine. We never had a fight or harsh words between us but I always felt left out he seemed to just want to be around my brothers. Now I regret those wasted feelings I had.
    My deepest sympathy for your loss. Hope to see you back to blogging this year.
    Take care
    Maggie

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